I Am Terrible At Blogging

So I'm back. I really wish I were better about posting to my blog that no one reads. I got a new computer recently (Macbook Pro with my tax check, HOLLA) and I've been keeping a "mood calendar" using iCal (I hate that title because it sounds like a calorie counting mechanism when it is just a regular old calendar). I'm trying to keep track of how I feel on a daily basis, noting what went well and what didn't, how I'm eating and sleeping - basically something I can look back on to sort of track the highs and lows and perhaps make more sense of things.

I will confess to being very depressed lately. I am hypersensitive and very raw. I cry about everything. There are some ridiculous examples which I will list for comic relief. There have been lots of incidents like this, but here are the highlights:

• One morning I somehow got to thinking of the movie Aladdin, and I was thinking (SPOILER) about how selfless Aladdin was to use his last wish to set Genie free, even though it meant not being able to marry Jasmine. (Thank God the Sultan changed his mind on that one, AMIRITE?) Waterworks ensued.
• I cried when someone died during a HORROR MOVIE, and it wasn't even a main character. Not because I was scared, but because I was legitimately sad.
• I was watching "Arrested Development" and in a tender moment between Michael and George Michael - you guessed it, tears were a-flowin'. During.Arrested.Development, the funniest show in tv history. Take a moment, take it in.

I also have cried about things that are decidedly not funny:

• I cry out of feelings of guilt and shame. Sometimes I am in touch with something I feel guilty about from years passed, other times I feel guilt and shame seemingly without any reason I can identify.
• I have cried because I am terrified of the financial repercussions of doing an MSW program and don't know if it's wise for me to take on the amount of debt required to complete the program. Yet I also don't want to continue doing a whole lot of nothing while everyone else I know from college prospers in their respective careers. Yet I am ambivalent about whether it's the right career for me. One big mess.
• I have cried because I'm lonely.
• I have cried because I feel deformed because of my SI scars.
• Yesterday I cried when I saw a woman open up a bag of Bugles on the subway. I haven't seen them on store shelves in a long time. My great-grandmother used to always have those at her house when she had get togethers when I was a kid. She died when I was 16, and I miss her. I miss being at her house, being young, being the only great-grandchild who had been born yet. I miss Nannie and Aunt Pat, who lived with Great-Grandma - they have also passed. I miss the smell of her house, the toys she kept in the closet especially for me, and even their dog Kerry who scared me half to death. But feel free to chuckle about someone breaking out a bag of Bugles and me bursting into tears.

Normally, rule #1 for me is, "Don't let other people see you cry." I have been successful in this, letting no one see me cry but my therapist, mother, and strangers on the subway who don't give a fuck anyway. But it's bleeding into my everyday life, it's getting harder to hide, and I don't know what to do. I cry multiple times throughout the day. I can't make it stop.

I was always a highly-sensitive child, like I'd cry if I saw someone with Down's syndrome or in a wheelchair because I felt sorry for them, which I realize now is condescending and offensive but as a 7 year old didn't quite see it that way. But this is like nothing I've ever experienced, and it's been going on since like September - October of last year. My psychiatrist and therapist have no cures, at least not yet. I don't understand how I can stop something like this, something that comes from so deep inside, something that just HAPPENS without my consent.

I wish I had some bipolar readers, or any readers really, who had any thoughts or tips. Until then, I march on alone.