Still Looking for My Antediluvian Baby

Song I am singing to myself as a self-soothing mechanism on this stressful day at work:

I don't have the opening monologue memorized, for those who were curious, I just do the musical parts.

Wins and Fails

Today was a mix of wins and fails. I tend to be a very black and white thinker ... usually I'd let the fails be all I focued on; the positive things I do never matter unless I've done everything right. This attitude has prevented me from achieving much of anything in my entire life, and it's time I started working on it. Let's get a rundown on the good and the bad.

Wins:

• I went grocery shopping and have got enough food for the week.
• I did a fair bit of walking, which was unplanned, and improved my mood.
• I spent time with my grandmother, and helped my family by walking and feeding the dog and feeding the cats while they were away at a party.
• I made my mom a mix cd which she really enjoyed.
• I left my brother his favorite peanut-butter filled pretzels from TJ's on his pillow while I was over my family's house with a note that said "I <3 U."  (He's 14, I was trying to speak his language.)
• I was cordial to my mom's husband, which is a struggle (I may or may not get into that on this blog).
• I left my roommate a small gift with a funny note.
• I worked on planning a surprise party for my other roommate.
• I meditated this morning.

Fails:

• I didn't do my stretching exercises (I am hoping to do them later though, they really help me feel less tense/rigid).
• If you knew the last time I'd showered, you'd vomit in your mouth (another thing I plan to do later ... not vomit in my mouth, I'm going to shower, in case that was unclear).
• I've been festering on bad memories all day instead of completing the thought/memory and then letting it go, as my therapist and I have discussed. I've just been in a shit mood, and I realize that unproductively focusing on so much past negativity and pain has been a huge part of the reason why.
• I stuffed a brownie down my gullet that I saw in the fridge without really tasting or enjoying it. In that moment I was unable to control my behavior. The loss of control is what bothers me, not that I ate a brownie. I'll eat 12 fucking brownies if I want. I just hate the feeling of not making the choice. Also, I like to enjoy my food, and I didn't even TASTE this bitch.
• I didn't complete my MSW applications as I had intended to, and just don't have the energy to do it tonight.

I am going to attempt to give myself some credit for my positive accomplishments, and do my best to rectify what didn't work out. This is a new strategy for me, hopefully it'll yield some new results.

Come Undone

Yesterday I felt like someone wanted to destroy my sweater, and held the thread as I walked away.

To explain that more clearly: I became unhinged after skipping my 2 mile walk and having a binge Wednesday night. I just lost it. I couldn't go to work the next day, I felt completely incapacitated. I stayed under the blankets most of the morning, wanting to just hide from the entire world. I felt as if all the good work I'd done in the last 2 months in terms of learning to stay calm and keep my emotions separate from my actions was slipping away from me, that these abilities would soon be gone, and I'd be back to square 1.

But I did something about it. I ate breakfast, then a chocolate chip cookie, then lunch, then did pilates, then went for that 2 mile walk I missed the day before, then went to therapy. I came home and made dinner and ate until satisfied, took a shower, read for a while, and went to bed. I made it through the day. And today I came to work. I became unhinged and it didn't turn into a 6-8 week cycle of depression and self-destructive behavior. I got back in the driver's seat. I slipped and I got back up. This is new terrain for me. I think it's a combination of my meds and the other positive things I'm trying to do for myself in my life (see my list in my first post), but I feel stronger as a result of this. I'm trying to look at this as a lesson - everyday is just one day. And crazily enough I actually feel proud of me. This is something I rarely feel about myself, so it's kind of a big deal, so I'm going to say it again: I feel proud of me.

It Don't Come Easy

This love of mine keeps growing all the time, but you know it don't come easy.

While I have nothing but love for Ringo, I prefer George's demo.

Fat Acceptance

Do you know what I like? Fat Acceptance. I feel like the only way I'm ever going to be comfortable in my own skin is to accept the body I have right now at this very minute. This is a daunting task. So many years of messages from media, family, and friends, and they all can be reduced to this simple motto: "skinny is pretty, fat is ugly." Fuck all that. I am doing things to make my body feel physically stronger and healthier, because it's something I want for myself, but I have no interest in dieting. That whole cycle is an epic waste of time and a collossal source of heartache. Once I am able to lose my anxiety around food, feel in control of my consumption, and stop bingeing, my weight will stabilize where my body wants it to be - lighter than I am now, heavier than I am now, who can say? Whatever it is, I will need to work on accepting it. It's not easy. It's a challenge to love what you've been conditioned your entire life to hate - a fat body.

I used to read all these blogs where people would post their daily oatmeal breakfasts and every morsel of food they'd consumed all day and every bit of marathon training or Bikram Yoga they'd done (not that there's anything wrong with that, just not appealing to me). I realized that I just don't have any interest in a lifestyle that's that extreme.  Slowly, I have moved over to reading FA blogs, and WOW, they make me feel like I'm normal, as opposed to lazy and self-indulgent, as some other "healthy living" blogs often do.