But what does "being kind to myself" actually mean? Indulging my every whim? No, that blog would be called "Spoiling Me" and the last thing I want to be is a Paris Hilton wannabe without the millions of dollars. It recently occured to me that I would never in my life dream of treating anyone the way I treat myself. To others, I'm generally polite, respectful, a good listener, I don't minimize their problems .... I'm not too much of a douche is what I'm getting at. To myself, I am a cruel, nasty, neglectful c-u-next-Tuesday. Herein lies the disconnect. So, if I had to sum up what my plan for kindness is, let's bullet this bitch out:
- Taking Care Of My Body. My physical condition is poor. But dieting and punishing exercise regimens have gotten me nowhere. I am also neglectful about going to doctors and dentists and stuff, because I get scared, I'll be honest. Anyway, here's the new idea:
- Intuitive Eating. No more dieting or even thinking about dieting. No food is off limits. No foods are "good" and no foods are "bad" - food is now morally neutral territory. No guilt about eating any particular food is allowed (that last one's going to be tough - 27 years of programming is hard to erase, but I'm going to try).
- Exercise. I'd like to be physically stronger. I also live in a 4th-floor walk-up and would like to not nearly pass out when I get home from work every day. The thing with exercise is that, well, I don't like getting sweaty. I refuse to do anything that's painful, I've caused myself enough pain over the years. Here's what I enjoy: pilates, walking, stretching, swimming. I have been doing the pilates, walking, and stretching for the past 2 months, and it has felt good. As for the swimming, I am thinking of joining the local Y and going in the mornings before work. I recently bought a bathing suit for this purpose. This is huge for me. I haven't been swimming in like 10 years and it was my FAVORITE thing to do growing up, and I allowed myself to be shamed into stopping because I was insecure about my weight. My motto with respect to swimming is going to be, listen, I'm fat. If you don't like it, don't look at it.
- Sleep. I've been working on this one for years and I've mostly got it covered. I need enough sleep EVERY NIGHT. I need to wake up and go to bed at roughly the same time every day in order to function properly.
- Going for a physical. Please kill me right now. This I don't want to do. I haven't had one in about 11 years. I don't like to be looked at or touched, AT ALL, and I have a fear about those stupid gowns not fitting me. I have to do it though. I need to make sure everything's ok and stop living in ignorance about what my overall health picture is. I think to myself, if I had a child, would I let them go 11 years without seeing a doctor? NO. So why do I treat myself with such neglect? I can't allow it any longer.
- Going to the dentist. Bastards. I went and spent thousands last year, like wiped out my entire savings and tax check, on work I needed done. This year I need 2 wisdom teeth pulled, and also am going to make sure I get a cleaning every 6 months. And, if it kills me, I will brush twice a day (easy) and FLOSS daily (harder). This has to be done so I can do my best to avoid painful and expensive surgeries the future most likely holds (my entire family has dental problems despite having good oral hygeine).
- Respecting My Body. No more nasty inner-monologue comments will be tolerated. I would never make crude remarks about someone else's weight or body and I don't feel I deserve my own relentless abuse anymore. I don't love my body, that I can confess, that will take time. But, for now, I can at the very least respect it. I am luckily an able bodied person, and every place I ever went, everything I ever accomplished, my body was right there carrying me through it, even when I was a total abusive bitch to it. Even when I starved it, binged to the point of being sick/comatose, and mutilated it with razor blades, my body took the beating and healed without my even asking it to. It's sort of miraculous, when you think about it. So thanks body, for putting up with my shit and barely even complaining! You're a trooper.
- Taking Care Of My Mind. I've had some serious struggles in this area.
- Seeing my therapist. I go twice a week and will continue to, though it's rough on the pocketbook. I have a ton of issues that I need to get resolved.
- Seeing my psychiatrist. I've battled mental illness for years and never had any results with any medications, so I stopped with psychiatry and looked to therapy to help me put things together. I had small successes but with me it was always, two steps forward, two steps back. I could never seem to maintain any progress I'd make in any area of my life. I was recently diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. I have a host of other problems but a mood disorder seems to be the central organizing problem. The medications my new psychiatrist has prescribed seem to be helping, and no antidepressants in the past ever did. It's a real revelation. It's been hard to accept, but I also feel hopeful that now that I know about it, I can address it appropriately and make some headway with things, at last.
- Meditation. Nothing too serious with this. My attention span is too short anyway (despite the ever-increasing length of this post). Just a few minutes before work with deep breathing and making intentions for the day - being kind to myself being first on the list every morning.
- Taking Care Of My Spirit. This might be tough ... I'm agnostic.
- Find a career that's meaningful to me. Pretty self-explanatory. I plan on applying to get my MSW for Fall 2011. I want to help people. It's important to me to give back, and I think this might be a good way to do so.
- Have fun every once in a while. I need to find a hobby or something I do just out of enjoyment, that's just for me. Maybe this blog will be a part of that.
- Be kind to others. I want to be a better friend, daughter, sister, and employee. I want to go the extra mile. I want to do the right thing even when it's hard. I want to give even when it hurts. Kindness to myself would be meaningless without paying it forward to others.
More to come.
PS - How effing cute are those penguins? Srsly.
