I have no fucking idea.
One day, I wake up, and just like that (picture me snapping my fingers), I feel ok. I feel functional. 10 days later and I'm agitated, irritable, eating in ways that are out of control, unable to tolerate being around people, feeling fatigued and hopeless and all of the same old same old. It hurts to have a period of relative contentment and then have it ripped away just as you were beginning to feel somewhat normal.
I'm so tired of all this.
Dear Brain,
Thanks a pantsful.
Love,
Bea
P.S. - I am trying to stay positive and I don't want to be mean to you, Brain, but you're making it very difficult.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
What To Do When the Fog Lifts
Over the past week the fog has lifted somewhat for me. When this happens, I want to take advantage of the opportunity, because I just never know how long it will last. I'm not bursting with joy mind you, but I feel more functional, less fatigue, less hopelessness, and less of a need to isolate myself from others.
I feel like if I can create some positive routines and try to stick with them as long as possible, perhaps I can stave off another depressed or agitated cycle for as long as possible. I'm a rapid-cycler so there's a certain inevitability of losing my grip, but while this time is here I want to make the most of it. And maybe when the next cycle comes I can try to hold on to some of the routines I create now, and keeping that structure and doing things that make me feel good will make the cycle shorter. This is something I've discussed with my therapist, and have had a few successes with it, and hope to have more over time.
I am usually able to complete a few self-care rituals daily, regardless of cycle, which I think I've mentioned: washing face 2x/day and using acne products, brush 3x/day, floss 1x/day, eat a nutritious breakfast, meditate, take all meds, keep all psych appointments, keep mood journal, keep sleep as regular as possible. It took a long time to be able to hold on to these things, but now they're MINE. I own them and they're a part of my life. This is a source of pride for me.
I have a harder time with keeping a regular exercise regimen, preparing and eating healthy lunches and dinners, avoiding binges, maintaining some semblance of a social life, and avoiding vicious inner monologues. These are the things that I can't seem to get a grip on. I have started on these tasks over the past few days and am trying to move forward with my mission of kindness to self as best I can. The more time I spend being kind to myself cumulatively, it has to add up to a better quality of life, I have to believe that.
I am going to try to write more on this blog while I have this period of greater clarity. Then maybe when I start another cycle I can look back and feel hopeful. It's hard to know when you're in a depressive state that you will ever NOT feel that way again. If I write about it, that will be tangible proof - I WILL see the light of day again. It's not a matter of if, but when, and I just need to hold on until that day comes.
I'd like to come out and play, get out into the real world. I still feel scared though, despite being in a better place I still feel scared. Working on my confidence is another part of being kind to myself, but I honestly have no idea how to even begin doing that. I need someone to sing this song outside my window.
I feel like if I can create some positive routines and try to stick with them as long as possible, perhaps I can stave off another depressed or agitated cycle for as long as possible. I'm a rapid-cycler so there's a certain inevitability of losing my grip, but while this time is here I want to make the most of it. And maybe when the next cycle comes I can try to hold on to some of the routines I create now, and keeping that structure and doing things that make me feel good will make the cycle shorter. This is something I've discussed with my therapist, and have had a few successes with it, and hope to have more over time.
I am usually able to complete a few self-care rituals daily, regardless of cycle, which I think I've mentioned: washing face 2x/day and using acne products, brush 3x/day, floss 1x/day, eat a nutritious breakfast, meditate, take all meds, keep all psych appointments, keep mood journal, keep sleep as regular as possible. It took a long time to be able to hold on to these things, but now they're MINE. I own them and they're a part of my life. This is a source of pride for me.
I have a harder time with keeping a regular exercise regimen, preparing and eating healthy lunches and dinners, avoiding binges, maintaining some semblance of a social life, and avoiding vicious inner monologues. These are the things that I can't seem to get a grip on. I have started on these tasks over the past few days and am trying to move forward with my mission of kindness to self as best I can. The more time I spend being kind to myself cumulatively, it has to add up to a better quality of life, I have to believe that.
I am going to try to write more on this blog while I have this period of greater clarity. Then maybe when I start another cycle I can look back and feel hopeful. It's hard to know when you're in a depressive state that you will ever NOT feel that way again. If I write about it, that will be tangible proof - I WILL see the light of day again. It's not a matter of if, but when, and I just need to hold on until that day comes.
I'd like to come out and play, get out into the real world. I still feel scared though, despite being in a better place I still feel scared. Working on my confidence is another part of being kind to myself, but I honestly have no idea how to even begin doing that. I need someone to sing this song outside my window.
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