Woke up at 7am, exercised/stretched/meditated, took shower, ate breakfast, took 2x adderall and other meds, went to movies, went to brunch w/ roommates and then took 1x adderall. Mike (brother) came over to borrow some money, talked to him for quite a while about school, college, jobs, etc. Now as I sit here alone the fear is beginning to set in. I am on edge, starting to feel the dark cloud approaching. I feel agitated and upset for no particular reason. I was very scared last night and even after taking 3 xanax had trouble sleeping, I listened to music and left the light of my iPod on, finally fell off about 1am. This fear is difficult to explain, it's like an agitation in my arms and a sense of dread deep in my gut. I am afraid of the dark thoughts. When I meditate, I say, "I can fight intrusive thoughts. They are not an accurate depiction of reality." This helps somewhat, but it just seems that when the adderall wears off the fear sets in. It's very difficult to distract myself from it - reading, watching tv, playing a computer game, etc, are not effective. Talking to others seems to help but paradoxically I do not want to be around others in this state. I often want to hear my mom's voice during periods like this but obviously she is not always available. Also, I can't talk to her about what the problem is, we just have to talk about something else. I am crying as I'm writing this right now. Thinking of how I can't tell my own mother what goes on in my mind reminds me of how alone I am. I have no friends or family that I can speak to about this. Thank God for my therapist.
I am fighting the urge to just get under the covers and weep, but I don't know what else to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment