Cycles

I am in a bad cycle. I don't really know what else to say.

I'm trying to hold on to my life. To hold on to what's important and know that this won't last.

Amotivation: Why Put Off Until Tomorrow What You Can Do Next Week?

I have a terrible problem with amotivation and procrastination. Seriously. Some days at work I will just sit at my desk staring into space. I'll read blogs but I can't even really enjoy them because of the guilt I feel about not doing my work and the anxiety I feel about how, well, it eventually needs to get done.

I am having this problem right now as we speak (or as I type, I guess I should say).

I sound my barbaric yawp over the blogs of the internet - does anyone have any suggestions about this?

I'm laughing right now about the barbaric yawp since no one knows about this blog but me. I send this question out into the void and will see what happens.

Checking In On Resolutions

So it's now March 2nd, and I've been working on this "be kind to me" thing since November 1st, the 27th birthday of yours truly. So it's been 4 months. Let's see how it's been going:

Taking Care Of My Body: 
Intuitive Eating. I've been doing  fairly well with this. I try to cook my own meals, eat what I want, eat what will make my body feel good, etc. I do have a binge eating problem but it seems to be getting better.

Exercise. Meh. My walks (which really are great for my mood) are sporadic. I do a bit of strengthening exercises here and there, and I've been good about stretching most days. I haven't had the sack to go join the Y and swim. I literally dream about swimming, I want to do it so much. I really want to get over this bathing suit issue and woman up already. Still huffing and puffing getting up the stairs to my 4th floor walk-up apartment.

Sleep. Some ups and downs, but mostly a thumbs up here.

Going for a physical. Haha, no. Not there yet. But I did ask my psychiatrist to order a full work up when I went to get blood work, and apparently I'm healthy! Cholesterol, blood sugar, etc are ok. Thyroid slightly underactive but nothing to be worried about at this point. When are we going to be able to convince people that teh fatz can be healthy too?!?!

Going to the dentist.  I have an appointment for a cleaning in 2 weeks. Win!

Respecting My Body. Body love is a long way off but I have gotten much better about being respectful of my body, not having hurtful/nasty inner-monologues about my appearance, etc.

Taking Care Of My Mind: 
Seeing my therapist. Check and mate. Going twice a week and  committed to the process.

Seeing my psychiatrist. He's working on tweaking the meds. Hopefully we'll get there. But I am going to appointments and am also committed to the process here, so high five! Anyone? Anyone?

Meditation. Do this pretty much every morning for a few minutes.  I 'm very proud of this.

Taking Care Of My Spirit:
I lately have come to really stop believing in the concept of a spirit so I think I want to rename this category "Karma Police." 
Find a career that's meaningful to me (and helps others). Very little ground gained here. I applied to 2 MSW programs but don't think I even want to enroll, regardless of whether I get in or not. This is a tough one. I think I need to stop thinking about it and try to just get my feet wet trying new things. (FYI: I am scared of new things.)

Be kind to others. I try. I try really hard. This is by far the most important of all my mini-resolutions. When I'm dead if anyone remembers one thing about me, I would want it to be that I was kind to others. Sometimes with mood swings I want to rip peoples' faces off for even speaking to me or looking at me or making a noise in my general vicinity, but I am usually good about hiding this desire, and have a 100% rate of success in terms of not face ripping, which is pretty amazing when you think about it. <<Golf claps>>

Not too shabby! Will check in again, uh, at some point.