I came to work a half hour late today without having showered. I decided I'd rather eat breakfast and watch an episode of "House" on the DVR than be clean and punctual. At least I fed myself a healthy meal. And I did wash my face and put on my zit cream and brush my teeth. And I didn't call in sick. I picked up my computer about 12 times to e-mail my bosses that I was staying home, but I showed up. I also knocked into a kid trying to get on the train before the doors closed. (She didn't fall or anything, thank God.) I apologized twice but felt so bad that I cried for like 4 subway stops. Good thing no one in New York gives a shit. (Seriously, I mean that, in those moments I don't want to be bothered.) At any rate, you win some, you lose some. But I have to keep trying. Little things add up, so says my therapist. Any rituals I can maintain helps me to hang on to the life I want.
Rituals I have success with:
-Washing face AM/PM, acne cream, etc.
-Brush teeth 3x/day, floss 1x/day
-Eating a nutritious breakfast
-Meditation
Rituals I have a high failure rate with:
-Exercise (strength training, walking)
-Stretching/Relaxing exercises
-Eating a healthy lunch and dinner
Most days lately I want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. One thing you can't hide, is when you're crippled inside.
I may have to try the ritual thing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting!
ReplyDeleteI find it a Herculean task to wash my face and brush/floss my teeth at night. It's like asking me to run a marathon. But it makes me feel better once I do it, because at a time when I feel completely out of control, I made a choice, I took charge of me.
Another ritual I've been doing which I didn't mention in the post is jotting down a few notes before I go to bed about my day. Not like a "Dear diary, today I saw a boy, I wonder if he noticed me" type of thing, but more like some notes on my mood, crying spells, eating habits, productivity at work, etc. My therapist suggested trying to track these things so I can learn about my cycles: what brings them on, how long they last, etc. She thinks this knowledge might help me to prevent cycles or at least lessen their severity. I am leery of this idea but figure it's worth a try.