Decisions, Decisions

I was accepted into a social work program. It's at the same school where I did my undergrad work - the same school I dreamed of going to, then got in and got scholarships to make it work, then went fucking crazy and was miserable the entire time. I achieved my lifelong dream and it was taken from me, and let me tell you, it stings. This feels like maybe a second chance. I'll be working full time and going to school part time, so it won't be quite the same, but I can at least now perhaps be more engaged in my coursework and possibly make a new friend who shares my interests. I'm not quite convinced that social work is right for me, but it's been 6 years since I graduated college, 6 years of doing nothing, I've got to try something. Even if it doesn't work out, I took a shot - an EXPENSIVE shot that I'll be paying for until death, but a shot nonetheless.

I just took the Myers-Briggs personality test online. I've taken it many times before and I always get the same thing - INFJ. This personality is actually called "The Counselor" (which is what I'd like to use the social work degree for, counseling) and is apparently the rarest of all types (no surprise, I'm kind of off). I really do want to help people and I can be quite intuitive about others' problems. My worry is that I'm something of a psychic sponge. I take in people's sadness, pain, emotions...I just carry them with me. I am going to have to learn how to not do this, to do it less, or at least to cope with it.

What's Not Working

Pictured:
Antibiotics for cystic acne
Abilify and Lamictal for bipolar disorder

They're just not helping.

Feeling a little frustrated.

Love In The Time Of Bingeing

I have been unable to stop myself from binge eating lately. I have made myself physically ill on a number of occasions, doubled over in pain. This has been deeply upsetting. I feel like the progress I made with intuitive eating is going down the tubes largely because of my mood cycling, which often causes me to eat compulsively.

It is hard to love oneself when you are behaving in a way that's out of control and abusive to yourself. Can you love your abuser? I think I need to develop a sort of Stockholm syndrome - where I sympathize with my abuser (me). There are a few things I'd like to say.

Body: I AM SORRY for what I'm doing to you. Please forgive me, I know not what I do. (There's ALWAYS occasion for a Bryan Adams reference.)
Brain: Please stop fucking with me.

I've been feeling really down on myself but I am going to try my best to keep on being kind to me. I wish I had more guidance as to how to go about it. It's frankly counterintuitive to me - a life of self-abuse and abuse from others will do that to you. I wish I had readers so I could get some tips!

Why Can't You Be Nicer to Me?

It's been a while. I am going to try to continue to blog and write about my struggles with bipolar disorder, my eating issues, and my nasty bitchassery toward myself. I just got a new computer (yay!) so I think that will make it a little easier to get things going.