I had a dream that there would be a medication that would help me to be like other people. To feel stable. To enjoy things. To not fantasize about harming myself. For one month of my life, I had that, with Pristiq, but it pushed me over the edge into a manic state. I can't take antidepressants because they don't work, and Lamictal hasn't worked either. I always said to my therapist that I didn't expect medication to be a panacea for all my problems. Well, I lied to her and I lied to myself. And now I have to come to terms with the fact that my miracle drug doesn't exist.
My life is mine and I'm the one who's going to have to turn things around. I don't know how. I know I don't want to go to school for social work, but I can't think of anything else to do and I can't bear the idea of another year of just doing nothing. I can't figure out a path.
I have to have control over my mind. I have to be in charge of my fate. I have to conquer my fears. Yet I am quivering in the corner, and have been my whole life.
I've been weeping on and off all day for various reasons, things on tv or things that upset me at work or thinking of the futility of my career prospects. But I think the tears are really all about the fact that the dream is over.
The dream is over. The dream is over. The dream is over. Time to wake up. The dream is over.
Lamictal didn't do anything for me either. They put me on Risperidone. As for the anti depressant, you haven't found the right one. Your dreams are only over if you say they are. There's always a way to make them come true. I just haven't figured out how to make mine come to fruition. You gotta give yourself a break. If you want to go to school, then go. Nobody can take your education away from you, no matter how hard they try.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, hope you're fine or at least somewhat still here.
Boudicca
I appreciate this comment so much. I have been feeling better in the past few days and am trying to get back into the swing of things. I read over this post and obviously I can see now I was in a spiral of hopelessness. (It's funny how you don't see that at the time. No matter how self-aware I may fancy myself I always need distance with these kinds of things.) The dream of finding the perfect medication is definitely over, because it doesn't exist, but I am still keeping my fingers crossed for something that will keep me more stable. And my other dreams are still definitely on the table, just have to work on figuring out what that all means. Thanks for remembering me and my little blog.
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