What To Do When the Fog Lifts

Over the past week the fog has lifted somewhat for me. When this happens, I want to take advantage of the opportunity, because I just never know how long it will last. I'm not bursting with joy mind you, but I feel more functional, less fatigue, less hopelessness, and less of a need to isolate myself from others.

I feel like if I can create some positive routines and try to stick with them as long as possible, perhaps I can stave off another depressed or agitated cycle for as long as possible. I'm a rapid-cycler so there's a certain inevitability of losing my grip, but while this time is here I want to make the most of it. And maybe when the next cycle comes I can try to hold on to some of the routines I create now, and keeping that structure and doing things that make me feel good will make the cycle shorter. This is something I've discussed with my therapist, and have had a few successes with it, and hope to have more over time.

I am usually able to complete a few self-care rituals daily, regardless of cycle, which I think I've mentioned: washing face 2x/day and using acne products, brush 3x/day, floss 1x/day, eat a nutritious breakfast, meditate, take all meds, keep all psych appointments, keep mood journal, keep sleep as regular as possible. It took a long time to be able to hold on to these things, but now they're MINE. I own them and they're a part of my life. This is a source of pride for me.

I have a harder time with keeping a regular exercise regimen, preparing and eating healthy lunches and dinners, avoiding binges, maintaining some semblance of a social life, and avoiding vicious inner monologues. These are the things that I can't seem to get a grip on. I have started on these tasks over the past few days and am trying to move forward with my mission of kindness to self as best I can. The more time I spend being kind to myself cumulatively, it has to add up to a better quality of life, I have to believe that.

I am going to try to write more on this blog while I have this period of greater clarity. Then maybe when I start another cycle I can look back and feel hopeful. It's hard to know when you're in a depressive state that you will ever NOT feel that way again. If I write about it, that will be tangible proof - I WILL see the light of day again. It's not a matter of if, but when, and I just need to hold on until that day comes.

I'd like to come out and play, get out into the real world. I still feel scared though, despite being in a better place I still feel scared. Working on my confidence is another part of being kind to myself, but I honestly have no idea how to even begin doing that. I need someone to sing this song outside my window.