Come Undone

Yesterday I felt like someone wanted to destroy my sweater, and held the thread as I walked away.

To explain that more clearly: I became unhinged after skipping my 2 mile walk and having a binge Wednesday night. I just lost it. I couldn't go to work the next day, I felt completely incapacitated. I stayed under the blankets most of the morning, wanting to just hide from the entire world. I felt as if all the good work I'd done in the last 2 months in terms of learning to stay calm and keep my emotions separate from my actions was slipping away from me, that these abilities would soon be gone, and I'd be back to square 1.

But I did something about it. I ate breakfast, then a chocolate chip cookie, then lunch, then did pilates, then went for that 2 mile walk I missed the day before, then went to therapy. I came home and made dinner and ate until satisfied, took a shower, read for a while, and went to bed. I made it through the day. And today I came to work. I became unhinged and it didn't turn into a 6-8 week cycle of depression and self-destructive behavior. I got back in the driver's seat. I slipped and I got back up. This is new terrain for me. I think it's a combination of my meds and the other positive things I'm trying to do for myself in my life (see my list in my first post), but I feel stronger as a result of this. I'm trying to look at this as a lesson - everyday is just one day. And crazily enough I actually feel proud of me. This is something I rarely feel about myself, so it's kind of a big deal, so I'm going to say it again: I feel proud of me.