Stream of Consciousness

Woke up at 7am, exercised/stretched/meditated, took shower, ate breakfast, took 2x adderall and other meds, went to movies, went to brunch w/ roommates and then took 1x adderall. Mike (brother) came over to borrow some money, talked to him for quite a while about school, college, jobs, etc. Now as I sit here alone the fear is beginning to set in. I am on edge, starting to feel the dark cloud approaching. I feel agitated and upset for no particular reason. I was very scared last night and even after taking 3 xanax had trouble sleeping, I listened to music and left the light of my iPod on, finally fell off about 1am. This fear is difficult to explain, it's like an agitation in my arms and a sense of dread deep in my gut. I am afraid of the dark thoughts. When I meditate, I say, "I can fight intrusive thoughts. They are not an accurate depiction of reality." This helps somewhat, but it just seems that when the adderall wears off the fear sets in. It's very difficult to distract myself from it - reading, watching tv, playing a computer game, etc, are not effective. Talking to others seems to help but paradoxically I do not want to be around others in this state. I often want to hear my mom's voice during periods like this but obviously she is not always available. Also, I can't talk to her about what the problem is, we just have to talk about something else. I am crying as I'm writing this right now. Thinking of how I can't tell my own mother what goes on in my mind reminds me of how alone I am. I have no friends or family that I can speak to about this. Thank God for my therapist.

I am fighting the urge to just get under the covers and weep, but I don't know what else to do.                            

Crippled Inside

I came to work a half hour late today without having showered. I decided I'd rather eat breakfast and watch an episode of "House" on the DVR than be clean and punctual. At least I fed myself a healthy meal. And I did wash my face and put on my zit cream and brush my teeth. And I didn't call in sick. I picked up my computer about 12 times to e-mail my bosses that I was staying home, but I showed up. I also knocked into a kid trying to get on the train before the doors closed. (She didn't fall or anything, thank God.) I apologized twice but felt so bad that I cried for like 4 subway stops. Good thing no one in New York gives a shit. (Seriously, I mean that, in those moments I don't want to be bothered.) At any rate, you win some, you lose some. But I have to keep trying. Little things add up, so says my therapist. Any rituals I can maintain helps me to hang on to the life I want.

Rituals I have success with:
-Washing face AM/PM, acne cream, etc.
-Brush teeth 3x/day, floss 1x/day
-Eating a nutritious breakfast
-Meditation

Rituals I have a high failure rate with:
-Exercise (strength training, walking)
-Stretching/Relaxing exercises
-Eating a healthy lunch and dinner

Most days lately I want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. One thing you can't hide, is when you're crippled inside.

I Am Terrible At Blogging

So I'm back. I really wish I were better about posting to my blog that no one reads. I got a new computer recently (Macbook Pro with my tax check, HOLLA) and I've been keeping a "mood calendar" using iCal (I hate that title because it sounds like a calorie counting mechanism when it is just a regular old calendar). I'm trying to keep track of how I feel on a daily basis, noting what went well and what didn't, how I'm eating and sleeping - basically something I can look back on to sort of track the highs and lows and perhaps make more sense of things.

I will confess to being very depressed lately. I am hypersensitive and very raw. I cry about everything. There are some ridiculous examples which I will list for comic relief. There have been lots of incidents like this, but here are the highlights:

• One morning I somehow got to thinking of the movie Aladdin, and I was thinking (SPOILER) about how selfless Aladdin was to use his last wish to set Genie free, even though it meant not being able to marry Jasmine. (Thank God the Sultan changed his mind on that one, AMIRITE?) Waterworks ensued.
• I cried when someone died during a HORROR MOVIE, and it wasn't even a main character. Not because I was scared, but because I was legitimately sad.
• I was watching "Arrested Development" and in a tender moment between Michael and George Michael - you guessed it, tears were a-flowin'. During.Arrested.Development, the funniest show in tv history. Take a moment, take it in.

I also have cried about things that are decidedly not funny:

• I cry out of feelings of guilt and shame. Sometimes I am in touch with something I feel guilty about from years passed, other times I feel guilt and shame seemingly without any reason I can identify.
• I have cried because I am terrified of the financial repercussions of doing an MSW program and don't know if it's wise for me to take on the amount of debt required to complete the program. Yet I also don't want to continue doing a whole lot of nothing while everyone else I know from college prospers in their respective careers. Yet I am ambivalent about whether it's the right career for me. One big mess.
• I have cried because I'm lonely.
• I have cried because I feel deformed because of my SI scars.
• Yesterday I cried when I saw a woman open up a bag of Bugles on the subway. I haven't seen them on store shelves in a long time. My great-grandmother used to always have those at her house when she had get togethers when I was a kid. She died when I was 16, and I miss her. I miss being at her house, being young, being the only great-grandchild who had been born yet. I miss Nannie and Aunt Pat, who lived with Great-Grandma - they have also passed. I miss the smell of her house, the toys she kept in the closet especially for me, and even their dog Kerry who scared me half to death. But feel free to chuckle about someone breaking out a bag of Bugles and me bursting into tears.

Normally, rule #1 for me is, "Don't let other people see you cry." I have been successful in this, letting no one see me cry but my therapist, mother, and strangers on the subway who don't give a fuck anyway. But it's bleeding into my everyday life, it's getting harder to hide, and I don't know what to do. I cry multiple times throughout the day. I can't make it stop.

I was always a highly-sensitive child, like I'd cry if I saw someone with Down's syndrome or in a wheelchair because I felt sorry for them, which I realize now is condescending and offensive but as a 7 year old didn't quite see it that way. But this is like nothing I've ever experienced, and it's been going on since like September - October of last year. My psychiatrist and therapist have no cures, at least not yet. I don't understand how I can stop something like this, something that comes from so deep inside, something that just HAPPENS without my consent.

I wish I had some bipolar readers, or any readers really, who had any thoughts or tips. Until then, I march on alone.

Decisions, Decisions

I was accepted into a social work program. It's at the same school where I did my undergrad work - the same school I dreamed of going to, then got in and got scholarships to make it work, then went fucking crazy and was miserable the entire time. I achieved my lifelong dream and it was taken from me, and let me tell you, it stings. This feels like maybe a second chance. I'll be working full time and going to school part time, so it won't be quite the same, but I can at least now perhaps be more engaged in my coursework and possibly make a new friend who shares my interests. I'm not quite convinced that social work is right for me, but it's been 6 years since I graduated college, 6 years of doing nothing, I've got to try something. Even if it doesn't work out, I took a shot - an EXPENSIVE shot that I'll be paying for until death, but a shot nonetheless.

I just took the Myers-Briggs personality test online. I've taken it many times before and I always get the same thing - INFJ. This personality is actually called "The Counselor" (which is what I'd like to use the social work degree for, counseling) and is apparently the rarest of all types (no surprise, I'm kind of off). I really do want to help people and I can be quite intuitive about others' problems. My worry is that I'm something of a psychic sponge. I take in people's sadness, pain, emotions...I just carry them with me. I am going to have to learn how to not do this, to do it less, or at least to cope with it.

What's Not Working

Pictured:
Antibiotics for cystic acne
Abilify and Lamictal for bipolar disorder

They're just not helping.

Feeling a little frustrated.

Love In The Time Of Bingeing

I have been unable to stop myself from binge eating lately. I have made myself physically ill on a number of occasions, doubled over in pain. This has been deeply upsetting. I feel like the progress I made with intuitive eating is going down the tubes largely because of my mood cycling, which often causes me to eat compulsively.

It is hard to love oneself when you are behaving in a way that's out of control and abusive to yourself. Can you love your abuser? I think I need to develop a sort of Stockholm syndrome - where I sympathize with my abuser (me). There are a few things I'd like to say.

Body: I AM SORRY for what I'm doing to you. Please forgive me, I know not what I do. (There's ALWAYS occasion for a Bryan Adams reference.)
Brain: Please stop fucking with me.

I've been feeling really down on myself but I am going to try my best to keep on being kind to me. I wish I had more guidance as to how to go about it. It's frankly counterintuitive to me - a life of self-abuse and abuse from others will do that to you. I wish I had readers so I could get some tips!

Why Can't You Be Nicer to Me?

It's been a while. I am going to try to continue to blog and write about my struggles with bipolar disorder, my eating issues, and my nasty bitchassery toward myself. I just got a new computer (yay!) so I think that will make it a little easier to get things going.