Decisions, Decisions

I was accepted into a social work program. It's at the same school where I did my undergrad work - the same school I dreamed of going to, then got in and got scholarships to make it work, then went fucking crazy and was miserable the entire time. I achieved my lifelong dream and it was taken from me, and let me tell you, it stings. This feels like maybe a second chance. I'll be working full time and going to school part time, so it won't be quite the same, but I can at least now perhaps be more engaged in my coursework and possibly make a new friend who shares my interests. I'm not quite convinced that social work is right for me, but it's been 6 years since I graduated college, 6 years of doing nothing, I've got to try something. Even if it doesn't work out, I took a shot - an EXPENSIVE shot that I'll be paying for until death, but a shot nonetheless.

I just took the Myers-Briggs personality test online. I've taken it many times before and I always get the same thing - INFJ. This personality is actually called "The Counselor" (which is what I'd like to use the social work degree for, counseling) and is apparently the rarest of all types (no surprise, I'm kind of off). I really do want to help people and I can be quite intuitive about others' problems. My worry is that I'm something of a psychic sponge. I take in people's sadness, pain, emotions...I just carry them with me. I am going to have to learn how to not do this, to do it less, or at least to cope with it.

What's Not Working

Pictured:
Antibiotics for cystic acne
Abilify and Lamictal for bipolar disorder

They're just not helping.

Feeling a little frustrated.

Love In The Time Of Bingeing

I have been unable to stop myself from binge eating lately. I have made myself physically ill on a number of occasions, doubled over in pain. This has been deeply upsetting. I feel like the progress I made with intuitive eating is going down the tubes largely because of my mood cycling, which often causes me to eat compulsively.

It is hard to love oneself when you are behaving in a way that's out of control and abusive to yourself. Can you love your abuser? I think I need to develop a sort of Stockholm syndrome - where I sympathize with my abuser (me). There are a few things I'd like to say.

Body: I AM SORRY for what I'm doing to you. Please forgive me, I know not what I do. (There's ALWAYS occasion for a Bryan Adams reference.)
Brain: Please stop fucking with me.

I've been feeling really down on myself but I am going to try my best to keep on being kind to me. I wish I had more guidance as to how to go about it. It's frankly counterintuitive to me - a life of self-abuse and abuse from others will do that to you. I wish I had readers so I could get some tips!

Why Can't You Be Nicer to Me?

It's been a while. I am going to try to continue to blog and write about my struggles with bipolar disorder, my eating issues, and my nasty bitchassery toward myself. I just got a new computer (yay!) so I think that will make it a little easier to get things going.

Cycles

I am in a bad cycle. I don't really know what else to say.

I'm trying to hold on to my life. To hold on to what's important and know that this won't last.

Amotivation: Why Put Off Until Tomorrow What You Can Do Next Week?

I have a terrible problem with amotivation and procrastination. Seriously. Some days at work I will just sit at my desk staring into space. I'll read blogs but I can't even really enjoy them because of the guilt I feel about not doing my work and the anxiety I feel about how, well, it eventually needs to get done.

I am having this problem right now as we speak (or as I type, I guess I should say).

I sound my barbaric yawp over the blogs of the internet - does anyone have any suggestions about this?

I'm laughing right now about the barbaric yawp since no one knows about this blog but me. I send this question out into the void and will see what happens.

Checking In On Resolutions

So it's now March 2nd, and I've been working on this "be kind to me" thing since November 1st, the 27th birthday of yours truly. So it's been 4 months. Let's see how it's been going:

Taking Care Of My Body: 
Intuitive Eating. I've been doing  fairly well with this. I try to cook my own meals, eat what I want, eat what will make my body feel good, etc. I do have a binge eating problem but it seems to be getting better.

Exercise. Meh. My walks (which really are great for my mood) are sporadic. I do a bit of strengthening exercises here and there, and I've been good about stretching most days. I haven't had the sack to go join the Y and swim. I literally dream about swimming, I want to do it so much. I really want to get over this bathing suit issue and woman up already. Still huffing and puffing getting up the stairs to my 4th floor walk-up apartment.

Sleep. Some ups and downs, but mostly a thumbs up here.

Going for a physical. Haha, no. Not there yet. But I did ask my psychiatrist to order a full work up when I went to get blood work, and apparently I'm healthy! Cholesterol, blood sugar, etc are ok. Thyroid slightly underactive but nothing to be worried about at this point. When are we going to be able to convince people that teh fatz can be healthy too?!?!

Going to the dentist.  I have an appointment for a cleaning in 2 weeks. Win!

Respecting My Body. Body love is a long way off but I have gotten much better about being respectful of my body, not having hurtful/nasty inner-monologues about my appearance, etc.

Taking Care Of My Mind: 
Seeing my therapist. Check and mate. Going twice a week and  committed to the process.

Seeing my psychiatrist. He's working on tweaking the meds. Hopefully we'll get there. But I am going to appointments and am also committed to the process here, so high five! Anyone? Anyone?

Meditation. Do this pretty much every morning for a few minutes.  I 'm very proud of this.

Taking Care Of My Spirit:
I lately have come to really stop believing in the concept of a spirit so I think I want to rename this category "Karma Police." 
Find a career that's meaningful to me (and helps others). Very little ground gained here. I applied to 2 MSW programs but don't think I even want to enroll, regardless of whether I get in or not. This is a tough one. I think I need to stop thinking about it and try to just get my feet wet trying new things. (FYI: I am scared of new things.)

Be kind to others. I try. I try really hard. This is by far the most important of all my mini-resolutions. When I'm dead if anyone remembers one thing about me, I would want it to be that I was kind to others. Sometimes with mood swings I want to rip peoples' faces off for even speaking to me or looking at me or making a noise in my general vicinity, but I am usually good about hiding this desire, and have a 100% rate of success in terms of not face ripping, which is pretty amazing when you think about it. <<Golf claps>>

Not too shabby! Will check in again, uh, at some point.